A line from one of my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs. “Satellite”.
Warning, this is not a GTC post, it is a mixed emotion post……
Tomorrow will be the last day of school for my three children. My twins will be moving onto middle school (gasp!), into 6th grade. My oldest, Alison will be a Sophomore in High School (bigger gasp).
Every year about this time, I start to get a little melancholy. Looking forward to the slower pace of summer is my definite bright spot. However, it always gets clouded this last week of school with some sadness.
Before I go on, let me say first, I am forever grateful for the three children I have, and I cherish them. However, there is the story that I always wanted one more. Even after the birth of Travis and Rachel, I felt so strongly there was one more child for our family.
Travis and Rachel are the result of infertility. I know many of you have suffered through and are still suffering through this. We were overjoyed and thankful when we found out we were getting two babies for the price of one.
When my twins were about 3, my doctor gave me the all clear on my chances of becoming pregnant again. Whatever was not working in my hormones was working now. A few month later, we were able to conceive. However, the pregnancy ended just short of 6 weeks.
We waited another year, then decided to try again, this time, it took a great deal of time. Finally, I was pregnant. This pregnancy ended horribly at about 8 weeks. Trip to the ER, it was quite traumatic.
Two more years went by. We felt like if it were meant to be, it would just happen. Another pregnancy in the Spring of 2006. All looked great, heartbeat, feeling sick, the whole 9 yards. This pregnancy ended at about 12 weeks. On the very last day of school, and my mother’s birthday. Thankfully, this one was not as traumatic with the trip to the hospital. However, I was emotionally devastated.
Fall of 2006. Last few months before we decided to close this door. My brother passed away very unexpectedly, one week after I found out I was pregnant again. All went like clock work until 5 months hit. Suddenly our baby died. Cause unknown. Mostly likely a cord accident. One week later I was back in the hospital, this time it was I who almost died. I developed a life threatening Pulmonary Embolism and was told had I not come to the ER when I did, I could have been dead in just hours. I was traumatized and an emotional wreck for at least one year after. I cried so hard on some days, I thought I would just cry up a lung and die. This was just two months before the end of the school year.
Every year when my children return to school, I am happy for them, happy for me to have some personal time (and space) but sad too, sad they are getting older, sad that I don’t have that little person around the house that all these years I thought I would.
Here we are at the end of the school year again. I am looking forward to the fun things we have planned this summer, the weather being warm and lots of lazing about. However, I can’t help but feel the grief that inevitably comes at this time of year. The memories of what I have endured.
Everything Good Must Have Raw Places
If I hadn’t experienced the loss I had, would I love and cherish my children as much as I do? Maybe not. There is not a day that goes by, even the really hard ones, that I do not thank my Father in Heaven for entrusting me with these spirits. That I have THREE of them. I hope I am doing a good job.
If Mark and I hadn’t experienced so much grief and pain together, would I be as strong and as close we are now? Perhaps not. Tragedy can tear a marriage apart, or it can make it stronger, and bring you closer than you ever thought possible. For us, it deepened our love and commitment to each other in ways we never dreamed.
I am thankful every day this man is by my side, even when he is acting like he is 7.
If I hadn’t experienced so much pain, would my faith run as deep and unmovable as it does? Definitely not. Walking through fire can turn you inside out, but with it can come the deepest peace and comfort, knowing a Loving Father in Heaven loves you more than you can humanly comprehend, and with faith in Him, you can get through anything in this world.
So today, I have some Raw Places. Tomorrow I will be back to the Good.
Thanks for listening.
GTC
Wow, this hits really close to home. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years. I just went in for a procedure this morning and I’m hoping to hell-o that it works. We have no children yet and I am still young but we have been dreaming of a baby(s) for years. I would love to be so lucky as to get two at one time! It’s actually something I’m hoping for. These last two years have been so stressful, but just like you, it has definitely brought my husband and I much closer. We’re stronger than we ever were and he has been my rock. Every month when I get that big negative a little piece of me breaks away from this dream ever coming a reality. I am so sorry for your years of loss, I can only pray I could be as strong as you in such a circumstance. Your children are beautiful, and despite having a few “raw” places, they are yours! I love reading your blog and I love that you get real from time to time. This post almost brought me to tears (don’t feel bad, almost anything does!) but it gives me hope. Take today to have some raw places. I’ll see you back at good tomorrow.
XOXO,
Rachel
I’m your new biggest fan! Can’t even tell you how I found your blog, but I’ve read all of your past posts and love your enthusiastic life!! After reading your post with tears in both eyes, it brought me back to my past experiences. After before each of my 3 children were born I lost a baby, 3 total miscarriages. Like you (no twins here, though), each time of year that they were taken are always bitter sweet. Would the 3 I’ve come to love and cherish be here or what if they had been taken instead. Hard to think about… THANK YOU for being you and taking time to write your blog! Please, keep up the fantastic work!
Well my friend, I felt a little piece of my heart tug away while reading this post. I am so proud of how you wrote this post with such truth, honesty, strength, and beauty of spirit.
Much love to you. xo
I don’t even know what to say – you are such a fabulous mom and I am so sorry for all of your losses.
Enjoy your kids – time does go by too quickly. It’s funny, we do a little happy dance when they start school each year (my girls just finished their first year of middle school!) but when they’re not here (summer camp), I find myself going into their rooms every day and looking for pictures of them at camp online.
Keep on sharing who you are – we are here for you.
Kelly
I am a new follower this past month. Beautiful open post. I have 1 little one (or not so little–going to be 5 in a few months) from fertility treatments (plural)-many years of surgeries, failed treatments, and life changing ways of eating, thought processes, and alternative medicine- a long journey that I had to take. We are blessed –even on the hard days. I grab her little hand and squish it just to remind me in the end, its all good. The spirit will hold true, wavering at times as we are human, but it will help us all in our journeys. Take care, Kris
Okay, wiping away the tears…what a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it. Enjoy your beautiful family and the summer.
Oh my friend! This was so beautiful and you are so right “everything good must have raw places.” My own story is different but you know how much I understand the longing for children and I am so sorry for the losses you experienced. I truly believe that the joys in our lives are made sweeter by the painful parts of the journey. Thanks so much for sharing from your heart with us!
Vanessa
wow, karen- i had no idea you went through all of this. thank you so much for sharing- you are a wonderful mom, and i am sure you have a keener appreciation for your children than i can ever fathom. and i am so glad that you have come out a stronger woman- i know it.
Oddly,
Listening to Dave Matthews as I’m reading this post. You broke my hert and filled it back up. I adore my three ‘babies’…ages 24, 22, and 18! My nest is emptying and I am only 44 years old! I am grateful for every minute I have shared with them and excited to help them fledge into their own lives.
My dear friend, I was so heart broken to learn of your miscarriages and the ache that it leaves behind. Yes, the Lord does answer prayers in his time not ours and he gives us just exactly what we need when we need it. Sometimes we just don’t know why things happen the way they do. I’m sure the Lord does.. The Lord has blessed with a good, loving husband and three wonderful, healthy children. And….. to top all that He has given you a creative mind. I would say that all the heartache and strife only made you a more stronger person. What do you think?????