Trashy Tuesday Trash
Every year I post this post as a tribute to my friend Ben. Please take a moment to read on. I hope this post inspires you to see all the redeeming value in every single human we encounter in our lives. We all have beauty inside of us. -Karen
New subscribers! You may be tempted to unsubscribe, but I promise you, if you stick around, I have so many fun Trashy Makeovers and Dumpster Diving finds to share with you. Truly, JUNK just finds me.
I am 2/3 finished with a video and a post about how to do a Picture Gallery Wall using DIY Paints and how to use Free and cheap thrift store frames.
I had planned, but my plans changed.
Monday, we received devastating news that our friend’s son, whom we love and almost consider one of ours was declared “missing” in the Southern Utah Mountains. His name is Ben. 
Ben was an avid backpacker and skilled outdoorsman. Ben did not return to meet his Grandfather at the appointed time of pickup after Ben had been on a back packing trip for a few days. Many hours went by, then a night. The next morning (Monday morning) a search party was organized and by almost sun down. Still no sign. Searching further into some of the lesser trails, Ben’s body was spotted at the bottom of a ravine.
Ben had fallen and succumbed to his injuries. Fire fighters fighting a nearby forest fire loaned one of their helicopters to help recover Ben’s body.
For the last 2 days, I spent day and evening with my friends helping plan the logistics of transporting Ben’s body, the medical examiner, several different funeral homes, the city of Morgan, Utah’s cemetery plot department, among one million other things.
Ben will be buried in Utah where my friends have family and they have a family plot. That’s the short part of the story.
Now comes the back story. I have a Ben. Except mine is named Mr. Red in this blog. 
Mr. Red and Ben worked together for a Petting Zoo and Mobile Pony ride farm. Mr. Red is 4.5 years younger than Ben, but Mr. Red loved Ben and is grieving. Mr. Red is a lot like Ben. Both are extremely intelligent. Both boys have a clever sense of humor. Both boys have HUGE hearts. And both boys deal and continue to deal with severe ADHD and the dark side of ADHD, anger or for Mr. Red, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). If you have one of these children in your home, then you know exactly what life can be like for us sometimes. It is hard. Sometimes heartbreakingly hard.
Mr. Red is smart, he struggles in school. 
Ben was beyond intelligent, could have gone to a very good university, but instead, Ben left home after he graduated from High School and lived (next to a Dumpster), where I found him, no joke, one day while looking for furniture. 
It was sad. So, so, so, so sad. Ben came home with me that day just for a little while. Took a shower, had a nice meal, then wanted to go back to his Dumpster. He did ask me to fix his Birkenstocks for him, so with Wood Glue and lots of clamps, I managed to get shoe to meet sole again. (Wood Glue works wonders).
Now let’s talk about Mr. Red. School here started over a month ago for our kids. Mr. Red is now a Sophomore in High School. Every day has been an uphill battle. There have been melt downs, crying fits, yelling (more than I would like to admit on my usually self controlled self, tons from Mr. Red). And failing school. Mr. Red has a lot of advocates, he has amazing teachers who work with him, an awesome counselor who keeps track of him and a major network of support around him. My job from 3:00 on is basically redirecting and staying on top of Mr. Red. It’s exhausting. Mr. Red has practically no phone privileges and those change from day to day. No other electronic privileges. Yep, motivation doesn’t work and neither does deprivation.
Back to Ben. Ben had lots of love and support around him too.
Very loving parents who tried EVERYTHING they could to help. Siblings who loved him and did their best to help. He had other families that loved him so much, he went to live with one of them for a time. We offered Ben to come live with us for a time, but Ben struggled and it was hard for him to meet the rules of our home.
For the last 2 days and nights, I have spent my time helping my friends with arrangements of their son’s body, the transport from St. George to medical examiner to Funeral Home. Calls to the Cemetery, many more calls back and forth with two different funeral homes. If you have ever had to suddenly plan a funeral, especially for a tragedy. It is hard. Very, very hard. I am grateful I had this job though because it kept me from melting into a puddle of tears.
Here’s more of the story. I know other Bens and other Mr. Red’s. My brother was Ben and a Mr. Red combined. Without so much the anger. My brother was amazing, but he struggled so much of his life to make his life “work”. My brother’s story did not end well either. Substance abuse and ultimately a suicide. I know another Ben. We love this child, he looks a little bit like my Mr. Red. Same personality traits, and he struggles as an adult.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because over the years I have come to understand many of us have Ben’s and Mr. Red’s in our lives.
Going forward. We don’t know what the future will bring. There will be much grieving and tears for Ben, for years to come. Losing a child, even a grown child is the hardest form of grief to cope with.
Going forward for me and my family. Each day is a new gift. We feel like even small changes in the right direction are victories. We have prayer, faith and a lot of support on our side. I pray Mr. Red will not face the same challenges that Ben and other Ben’s we know have faced. I hope we have been able to learn from some of the parenting experiences of those who have gone before us with children with this personality type.
Ben’s family has a deep faith. The other Ben I know? His family has a very deep faith too. We believe families are forever. We believe they will hold their son again and perhaps there are challenges Ben could not overcome here on this earth and will be able to with the Savior by his side. We believe we progress eternally. We believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that it has the power to heal all, redeem all and comfort all sorrows and pains. We believe we are here to serve one another. I believe this is a time where I can serve my friends.
Thank you to my loyal readers who have been here year in and year out. Thank you to my new subscribers who read this post. Thank you to those who just popped in for the day.
PS – 2019 Updates. The Needhams are thriving. Their family and children have continued to grow and are becoming amazing Young Adults. They amaze me every day.
Mr. Red. He has graduated HS, is working full time and (mostly) making good decisions. We have had some serious struggles, some of the same Ben had. We have an eternal perspective. Mr. Red, like Ben has loving siblings showing him a better path, two parents who love him deeply and want him to have his best life. We have learned much about ourselves, and much about patience.
We all have junk we have to deal with. Some people come preprogrammed with a lot of more challenges. Some people need a lot more time for their junk to be refined. I do know this, when we are loving, Christ like and patient, amazing transformations can and do take place.
Just like I believe that there are many things we can do with broken furniture before we give up on it, there are incredible opportunities for us to see others in a better light all around us, every day.
I promise next week there will be Dumpster Diving treasures, Junk Makeovers and more Trash, the good kind.
Sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.
Thank you so much Leigh. We have most definitely all the felt the prayers offered by so many, many people. I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to such sweet comments. Thank you again for your words. -karen
Thank you for sharing. Beautiful and well written post.
Thank you for your sweet comment Debbie. I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I am so touched and deeply grateful for how many people reached out to offer words of comfort. Thank you again. -Karen
Approximately once per year I say “this is your best post ever”
I was wrong. This was simply the best. Thank goodness Ben had
you as a friend and Travis has you as a mother.
First of all, no apologies necessary! Yes, I love your junk! But I equally love you for what you do and how you share it. It is your blog and you are free to post about whatever you feel is relevant to you at the time. I respect you as a person and would never judge how often or what you post.
It was brave of you to share so many deep thoughts and feelings. It will resonate with more people than you know, like me. Prayers and love to you all during this unimaginable time. What matters is that you get through this together.
Thank you so much for your sweet comment Beth! I have taken some time to reply to all the beautiful words that my readers have shared. My heart is full and I am very deeply grateful for the friends I have, even if I only know them online. Thank you again. -karen
Oh, Karen, I’m so very sorry to hear this. We were just in the mountains of southern Utah earlier this year and it scared me so much to be near the edges. I hate knowing that someone lost their life this way. You hear all the time “they died doing something they loved” but I don’t think it’s very soothing when it was someone like Ben….so young and so full of the joy of life. I am thankful that the family has you to assist them through all the details that are difficult to grasp right now. My husband played the same role when a friend of ours died. It was too much for the parents who were older and really didn’t know what all it entailed to bring their son home from another state. Please come back when you are ready. You are where God means for you to be right now. Your friends are here; we’ll be waiting.
I am so sad for you all, I cannot even imagine what you all are going through!!! So glad to hear that you all have faith in God, know that I am sending prayers up for you all! Our God will never leave or forsake us!!!
Anita in SC
Thank you so much for your sweet words Anita! Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Faith in God and his grace and mercy is what get’s us through. I have been so touched and overwhelmed at how sweet and wonderful all the people I only know from blogging and online have been. Thank you again. -Karen
Karen, your heart-wrenching post has touched me deeply. I am so very sorry for your loss and for the family of Ben. I just wanted you all to know that you will be in my prayers during the difficult days ahead. Take the time you need for you and for your dear friends in need. We will all be here when you have time to see your way back to your blog, your projects, and us, your loyal followers!
Thank you so much for your sweet words Judy! I have been so overwhelmingly touched at readers and friends who I only know from online, have reached out and expressed such sweet words. I am slowly making my way back! Thank you again. -karen
My heart goes out to you all. Kindest thoughts. Mary
Thank you so much Mary, I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply. It has been so touching to hear so many sweet comments and words of encouragement. -Karen
Oh I am so sorry to hear such sad news. Ben’s family is blessed to have you there for them. I will definitely keep you all in my prayers. You know we will be here waiting whenever you are ready. Big hugs! XOXO
Christy, thank you so much for your very, very sweet words and I saw that you even donated. My friends were so overwhelmingly touched at how many people they didn’t know contributed to the fund they had set up. I am SO late in responding, it was hard for me to get to this place where I could respond with dissolving into a puddle of tears again. Life is so very hard and so painful sometimes, but from my experience, in those awful times is when you get to see the beauty and grace of the love that surrounds us. Thank you again. -Karen
Take all the time you need. Were here when your ready.
RIP Ben , Live in Peace to all the Ben’s out thete.
Thank you so much Barbara Ann. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I was overwhelmed at the thoughtfulness and love of my readers and friends whom I only know online. I am so grateful for the beautiful people I have “met” through my blog. Thank you again, -Karen
I’m always perpetually behind on reading emails, so I just got to this today. My heart is broken for your friends, and for you. We have a son who struggles as well. He’s too smart for his own good, and fighting brain chemistry that won’t give him a break. We’ve battled with him side by side through anger, clinical depression, ADHD, mood disorder, and substance abuse. He barely graduated high school, and by the grace of God was accepted into a small community college. From there he springboarded to Bible college, then out of college, now back at college. Just this week he said “No, I’m not happy here. But I’m not happy anywhere.” I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and transparency. It was so easy for so long to believe we were the only parents with issues. I will be praying for your friends.
Oh Michelle, thank you so much for your very sweet and open comments. For so long, my husband and I felt like we were alone in our challenges with our son too. It is still so hard to be a parent to these boys, but so comforting to know that others understand our struggles, and there are many, many very happy ending stories. It is just sometimes such a long process to get there! Thank you so much for your sweet words. Wishing you all good thoughts and prayers that your son will find his way and find his happy place and path in life. It took me a long time to come to that place myself and I can relate to how hard it is to keep trying!
Dear Karen, I’m so sorry for your loss, their loss and all the families that have “a Ben” who struggle with making it day to day just to keep them safe! I know this life….I have a Ben who goes by “W.” My heart breaks for all of you…prayers of comfort being sent your way!